Sunday, March 24, 2013

~ Rock Bottom ~

Am I there?  No - I was the day I decided to have surgery.  I was suicidal and in pain - mentally and physically.  I weiged 220 +/- and was giving up the fight.   

Do I FEEL like I'm there...yes.
Am I happy about it - hell yes!
Why? Because its the best place to start from
Am I interviewing my self like I'm on a reality show? Sure
Why?  No reason..

Here is the gift of Rock Bottom - there is no where to go but up.
I feel like hell - mainly due to a head cold and being stressed out.

The great news is that right now in this moment is a beginning - again.

It all starts with forward momentum. One of my dear friends and mentors told me that when doing a long race the only thing you have to do is go forward - even if you are off your bike pushing it up a hill - you are going forward.  Don't stop just keep going forward.  (I miss that guy horribly - and had a dream about him last night. :( )        

So this is me going forward.  I am not hungry - haven't been for a while - I've been abusing food as a drug.  Thats how I got to 169 this morning.

As long as I can pick myself up again and keep moving forward its not done.  I will have to find a way to cope with stress without using food.  At times like this I actually wish I were addicted to drugs - how sick is that.

Here's to puggles and sunshine -


  1. You're so right about rock bottom. I am stressing about some bad choices lately and panic stricken about losing ground. It's not a comfortable place to be, but for me, and I'm guessing for you too, it's time to take back my power. I completely get the drugs analogy. But at least drug addicts don't "need" drugs to survive; food, on the other hand, is a necessity. I am a sugar and carb addict. Surgery did not "cure" me. I knew that going in. It's all about day at a time. We can do this. We couldn't get this far without being a bad-ass. It's time to reclaim that bad-ass and take our lives back. Enough is enough.

  2. Such an inspiring way to look at it, you're right - reaching rock bottom and knowing it, means our eyes are opened. Rooting for you and thinking of you xxx

  3. V, I am such a fan of yours. It hurts me to hear you say rock bottom, or that you are where you started. You have come so far. Maybe, in this particular moment, you are having trouble feeling different than where you started. But I encourage you to pick up 50 lbs and try to walk around with it for a while. I believe strongly in positive reinforcement to get myself back on track. Can you "sit" with the old you for a while? Look back at old blogs. Ask some friends to tell you about the differences (not just looks) they see. I know you will realize that, even though you may still struggle with some of the same demons, you really are fundamentally different. You are AWESOME!

  4. Vanessa, You know that I love you, right? I am not sure what all you are going through. A lot of it seems stress related by the real estate market.... You have a ton of pressure to try to please because you gotta make the sales to make money. I get that. But honey, it has to have a place; not the whole Vanessa. You and I both stress eat and we turn to sugar. As much as it feels like it does, it doesn't help.

    I do love what you said about just moving forward- even if you are pushing. You are a strong women and I look up to you. Take a deep breath and keep pushing.

    Let's get back to this non challenge. The first few weeks didn't work out so great for us, but, dammit, we can still get close if we keep trying.

  5. At least the bottom is made out of rock and not quick sand! You have got the right idea of it all... just keep moving forward! You are an inspiration to me!

  6. I understand what you are going through, at least with the stress eating and self abuse with the sugar and food. I have been there since the cruise basically. I am with you and together we will continue to move forward. That is the only acceptable direction. Love you. Progress. NOT perfection.

  7. Even I woke up pissed off at Mother Nature and wishing I could stay in bed, under the covers all day. I'm so sick of this dark, cold, windy weather I could scream. I got on the treadmill thinking I could induce some runner's high to get me out of the funk, and it didn't work.
    Let's just remind ourselves that spring is right around the corner and that we can get through this! And until then, well, there's plenty of wine to hold us over.
    Hang in there my dear!