Sunday, November 23, 2014

Sunday ~

Wow - very cool that people are still reading my blog after this time away.  Thanks for the comments and support guys!! 

Yesterday was a struggle - actual # on scale was 203 
- I did go for that bike was cold and painful...I want so badly to be back to where I was that its frustrating but I know that each time I go out there and ride its a step forward and good for my soul.
Today I've got plans to ride with an old friend at 10:30 - its warmer out so I'm looking forward to a spin in the woods.

Food yesterday - Went pretty good - then I had a melt down around 3:30 and ended up eating a huge cookie...that same feeling again - the feeling where I would die if I didn't have the cookie and I might possible run over anyone standing in my way to get the cookie..... addiction much?
It was only one HUGE cookie...and then I had some cheese and honey with truffles when I got home.
Dinner was a salmon burger.

Today - Mo is going grocery shopping so I don't get tempted at the store..
I had a poached egg on toast this morning 
Will have some yogurt before I bike and then lunch will likely be some veggies with tofu
Dinner ...TBD   

If I can just do one thing better each day...:)  

My friend Jenn is a photographer - she went to italy with us and is just now sending over some fantastic pictures - this is one of my favorites - HAHHAAA

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Holy Shit its Almost Thanksgiving

What the eff? 

I'm back from Italy.   It was an epic adventure and I went so far off the rail with food, I'm back to square one.  The day I got home I weighed 202 pounds.  Not ideal.  

From the chick that felt like there was no turning back two years ago when she weighed 155 to feeling like I'm trapped in a body that's not mine and wishing it would all go away.

How did I become the failed weight loss surgery patient?? I was a rock star!  I crushed it and lost it all.  
 I unraveled. Rebelled against the lifestyle that worked for me.  I was afraid of being free and what that meant.  In order to lose the weight and be a success - I know that it has to be the #1 thing in my life - all consuming #1 project that is all day everyday.  I was burnt out on that being the #1 thing in my life and I wanted to just be normal....

The truth is, I did this to me.  Starting over is depressing and harder than anything I've ever done.  Many people know about my lap band and its painful to see the look on their face when they see me.  I want to sleep all the time and wish it all away, but the reality is if I want the life I had before, I have to go get it again.  

I went to yoga on Thursday.  Today I'm going out on my bike for a mid day spin - 32 degrees sucks.  I'm also going to take a strength class again. Its all about the food though.  

I'm starting today with a protein shake. I'll have soup for lunch.
I hate even writing this shit down because I doubt I'll be able to stick to it past 11am... 
So, um yeah... I'm in a dark place.  I remember when I first started this journey and I read someone's blog who was all- "the band failed and I'm fat again"  I thought - what a loser..the band didn't fail, you failed the band.  And here I am.  

What do I want life to look like?  Sleeping and wearing baggie pjs all day feeling sluggish?  Or do I want to be out shredding in the woods on my bike being full of energy and feeling like I can do anything...Thats the question - to be Awesome or be a punching bag for my self hatred.

Here are some recent pics from Italy