Saturday, November 22, 2014

Holy Shit its Almost Thanksgiving

What the eff? 

I'm back from Italy.   It was an epic adventure and I went so far off the rail with food, I'm back to square one.  The day I got home I weighed 202 pounds.  Not ideal.  

From the chick that felt like there was no turning back two years ago when she weighed 155 to feeling like I'm trapped in a body that's not mine and wishing it would all go away.

How did I become the failed weight loss surgery patient?? I was a rock star!  I crushed it and lost it all.  
 I unraveled. Rebelled against the lifestyle that worked for me.  I was afraid of being free and what that meant.  In order to lose the weight and be a success - I know that it has to be the #1 thing in my life - all consuming #1 project that is all day everyday.  I was burnt out on that being the #1 thing in my life and I wanted to just be normal....

The truth is, I did this to me.  Starting over is depressing and harder than anything I've ever done.  Many people know about my lap band and its painful to see the look on their face when they see me.  I want to sleep all the time and wish it all away, but the reality is if I want the life I had before, I have to go get it again.  

I went to yoga on Thursday.  Today I'm going out on my bike for a mid day spin - 32 degrees sucks.  I'm also going to take a strength class again. Its all about the food though.  

I'm starting today with a protein shake. I'll have soup for lunch.
I hate even writing this shit down because I doubt I'll be able to stick to it past 11am... 
So, um yeah... I'm in a dark place.  I remember when I first started this journey and I read someone's blog who was all- "the band failed and I'm fat again"  I thought - what a loser..the band didn't fail, you failed the band.  And here I am.  

What do I want life to look like?  Sleeping and wearing baggie pjs all day feeling sluggish?  Or do I want to be out shredding in the woods on my bike being full of energy and feeling like I can do anything...Thats the question - to be Awesome or be a punching bag for my self hatred.

Here are some recent pics from Italy  


  1. So good to see you post! And your trip looks ahhhhhh-mazing! I'm also in a dark place. If you need a motivation buddy (I would warmly welcome you), please email me

    Stay strong girl!

  2. Hi Fantastic photos, I feel your pain have gained about 8 kgs, feeling like I'm also the weight loss surgery failure!! But then I think what would I be like if I hadn't had it done and it scares me :)

  3. Hello gorgeous:-) Sadly, maintenance is as much work...or more than weight loss. But you know that:-) I've been injured for the past month and gained 7 lbs just like that. It's scary how circumstances can completely derail you. And I went on a European vacation and completely slacked...paid for it when I got home. I'm day 6 of strict eating again. No booze, no fruit, no nuts and eating only veggies grown above ground with lean protein. It's hard to be so strict again, but I have to be. Seven pounds can easily turn into 17, then 27 and I really can't go there. I like my clothes too much:-) Take one day at a time darlin. Keep it simple. Don't overthink things and you will be going back into the direction you need to. Once in a while I have a pity party for myself and think "why can't I just eat what I want?". I could, but that means loss of control. And I'm all about the control. Get that back and you'll feel safe again:-) Hugs to you xxxx

  4. I think we are all at risk to re-gain. I can remember wondering how or why a WLS patient would ever re-gain and then it happened to me. *sigh
    No one knows what anyone is struggling with at any given moment. I know that now. It sounds like you are making the changes to find your healthy self again. Tracey

  5. ~You're so cute - like a little Who! I'm right there with you - sitting at 179... when I was 155 two MONTHS ago. Takes no time at all to gain. :(

  6. It has to be the #1 thing...all consuming... I so get you. We have to keep fighting it though. We just do. <3

  7. Vanessa, my thoughts exactly. You are not alone. Glad to see you post. I keep waiting for some success before I post again because I feel like a broken record. I'm so pissed at myself for wasting most of my great effort. I was down to 144 two years ago and weighed in today at 189. So disappointed with myself. But we just gotta keep trying. We did it before, we can do it again.
    You are still darling. I always enjoy your posts.