Weigh in ~

Starting Weight 241
Last Week ~ 163
This Week ~ 162
Loss ~ 1 pound


I'll take it!  Down a pound over Thanksgiving week ~ this is a modern miracle!
I've been hovering around this weight for over a month now.  Yesterday I went back and read my blog from the summer till now to see whats going on.  My last few months of posts have been less about rah rah rah and more about excuses.   Turning this around today.  

What works

I am not a religious woman. Not in your traditional brick and mortar church and ceremony way. I am a believer in the Universe and Mother Nature and a greater power than myself.  I go to "mass" in the woods on Sunday morning....a place that is more beautiful than any church Man could build. I hardly ever pray....but I have been lately. I'm not sure if it's just saying my intentions and hopes out loud or just focusing my mind for a few moments each day...but I know it works. So in keeping with what works here are my intentions for today... Keeping it simple... 


Let me get through the day without straying far from my plan
 Run in the trails 
100 oz water
Eat fruit 
1 serving FRESH veggies
Protein First

Sunday

I needed to have some kind of game to focus on so I signed up for the Holiday Booty Buster Challenge over at Run to the Finish.   This week I start training for the Hither Hills Half Marathon ~ its an off road race this spring! Three runs a week 2 shorter and one building distance.  Below is last weeks activity with the corresponding points for the challenge and then this weeks goals.  The best part about the challenge is you get extra points for eating fruits and veggies ~ two places this vegetarian slacks big time.

Tuesday ~ run 5k 3 points
              ~ Atkins Shake/ soup/ and dinner w/ the girls 
Wednesday ~ Ride horses and MTB 12 miles 4 points ~ Dinner with Inlaws - I'm cooking so thats good ~ vegan Lasagna and pumpkin pie
Thursday ~ Turkey Trot or  2.5 hrs MTB 16 miles 5 points ~ dinner at my moms and dessert at a friends house...must be on guard  had an affair with Banana Bread pudding from Magnolia Bakery and a gross amount of key lime pie ~ Damn u sliders!!
Friday ~ MTB 10 miles 3points   and Boot Camp 3 points~ dinner at a friends...had leftovers most of the day and vegan veggie pot pie for dessert 
Saturday ~ trail run 3 miles 3 points ~ drinks with friends and a family dinner too...
Sunday ~ Long Bike 3 hours 20 miles 6 points
Thats 27 points for this week...not too shabby


This week ahead ~ 11/28 -12/4 ~ eat more veggies!!
Monday ~ 6 mile trail run. MTB @ night ~ 12 miles   
Tuesday ~ MTB and Ride a horse
Wednesday ~ Short run 
Thursday ~ Ride horse
Friday ~ Boot Camp
Saturday ~ Short run 3 miles
Sunday ~ long mtb ride

Hello Sunshine!

This is not where I live but I love it!

The weather here is awesome for the End of November!!  Its almost December and its going to be in the 60s for the rest of the weekend!!!!  I can't concentrate on work at all ~ I just want to be outside  biking and running ~ to heck with trying to earn a living , these are the last of the good days!  This is my big problem ~ I have been blowing off work for weeks with this excuse....eeeeek!!  I have a ton of b/s paperwork to finish and I just don't feel like sitting in front of the computer.  


I also have a fridge full of leftovers....they call to me and taunt me when I am working.  Thank god I have my band ~ I have been relying on it heavily over this week.  


This morning I'm off for a trail run with some friends and will hopefully be able to buckle down and work after that....
PS ~ did not know what Lats were until this morning...apparently I have them and they are flippin' sore from bootcamp...


Accountability update:


Tuesday ~ run 5k 
              ~ Atkins Shake/ soup/ and dinner w/ the girls 
Wednesday ~ Ride horses and MTB ~ Dinner with Inlaws - I'm cooking so thats good ~ vegan Lasagna and pumpkin pie
Thursday ~ Turkey Trot or  2.5 hrs MTB ~ dinner at my moms and dessert at a friends house...must be on guard  had an affair with Banana Bread pudding from Magnolia Bakery and a gross amount of key lime pie ~ Damn u sliders!!
Friday ~ MTB and Boot Camp ~ dinner at a friends...had leftovers most of the day and vegan veggie pot pie for dessert 
Saturday ~ Long trail run 6 miles ~ drinks with friends and a family dinner too...
Sunday ~ Long Bike

A Banded Thanksgiving.

Wake up ~
Drink a shake ~ 
Get the bikes ready ~
Meet up with the gang ~
Head out for two and half hours in the woods~
Forget to eat lunch~
Go to dinner @ moms ~
Fill my plate ~
Realize there is no way I'm getting it all in ~
Ask for a doggy bag ~
Head home satisfied and guilt free..


I am thankful for my band. :)

Weigh in

Last Week ~ 161.2
This Week ~ 163.0
~ GAIN OF ~ 1.8


It seems that as soon as I get to a milestone there is a bit of self sabotaging going on.  
This week I worked out a lot ~ but missed 2 days 
Ate a lot of fried pickles , had b day cake, drank a lot of wine, ignored my band and binged on chocolate.
What did I expect.  I was trying to be "normal"
This is not "normal" even when I reach goal ~ which I'm thinking should be 135 -140. 
I have been a bad vegetarian ~ eating prepared foods and processed crap.
How do I feel ~ like garbage.  No Mas! Food does not equal celebration/ or an activity I must remember to fuel my body with it and not party with it! 
Tea is my friend ~ I must turn to the chai when I am craving crap


Enough ~ Here is the plan from today forward ~ I'll keep updating food as I go.


Tuesday ~ run 5k 
              ~ Atkins Shake/ soup/ and dinner w/ the girls 
Wednesday ~ Ride horses and MTB ~ Dinner with Inlaws - I'm cooking so thats good
Thursday ~ Turkey Trot or MTB ~ dinner at my moms and dessert at a friends house...must be on guard
Friday ~ MTB and Boot Camp ~ dinner at a friends...
Saturday ~ Long trail run 6 miles
Sunday ~ Long Bike

Mid binge......

I have just binged on a box of chocolates ~ wrappers surround my laptop and I am sad and disappointed. 

Lesson of the day ~ just b/c I had surgery does not mean I have cured my eating disorder.

 I will ride my bike tonight and I will run tomorrow and I will move forward and look at why this happened.  For this moment I need to remember that this is just a bump on the journey and I'm not a bad person b/c I fucked up.  I didn't kill anyone and I won't let this turn into a 3 day episode.

A little bit of Mary Oliver for the moment ~ one of my favorites:

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes, 

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, 

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting  

over and over announcing your place 

in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver 

published by Atlantic Monthly Press

© Mary Oliver

I'm an addict....

Hi my name is Vanessa ~ I am an addict... to what?  Just about everything that I like ~ food, exercise, reading blogs, facebook, racing, people...urgh the list goes on.  At least its not drugs or alcohol.


I knew my main addiction would change from food eventually  ~ when I went for my psych eval before surgery, the Dr. said to be careful because it was obvious to her that I would become addicted to exercise.  She said to me with a straight face that I'd have to be vigilant that my weight doesn't get too low.  I nearly spit water out of my nose and fell off the chair laughing.  She was partially right...my weight still needs to drop but I have the signs of an exercise addict: grumpy and irritable when I can't get out and run/bike.  I plan my day around when I'm going to bike or run and I look forward to it all the time.  I run in the morning to make sure that I get some cardio in just in case and then in the afternoon/evening I'll mountain bike or go to boot camp.  I just need to be careful that it doesn't get out of control...


I even took a look at Eddie the Dog this morning and decided he needed to loose a few lbs...so guess who my new running partner is?  He thought this was awesome fun until we hit the hills at mile 2...then he spent the rest of the run sniffing leaves and trying to chase deer while I walked home...I think he needs couch to 5K. :)

This is Ed's idea of being active...

10 things Thursday!

Ten random things in bullets = Woohoo!

1.  Exciting things are  afoot at work ~ mmm.. will give more details down the line but it made my day!

2.  Band is tight!

3. Missed working out 2 days in a row and have a fear I will wake up tomorrow mornining weighing it at
 241 ~ totally irrational but leading to very real anxiety! eeek!

4. Going to the movies tonight to see J Edger ~ I love me some Leo!

5. Raining, dark and cold as balls here on the end of Long Island = gross and a reason to put on my alcoholic hat for the winter ~ must remember not to do this or I WILL wake up at 241 again soon

6. Boot camp tomorrow night ~ I can't wait! its been weeks since I've been

7. Bike ride tomorrow early ~ to shake the legs out from 2 days of rest ~ really looking forward to it.

8. Ran a six mile loop on the trials ~ yep ~ running - you are my bitch!

9. It hurts when I eat anything hard ~ see #2 ~ I'm thinking I need to do liquids for a few days and see if anything changes ~ or head for an unfil

10.  Got stuck bad for the first time ~ whole wheat toast, you are no friend of mine.

Eight to the oh! Ocho Zero! 8-0 or 80

Weigh in ~ 161.2 ~
Last week 163.4
Loss ~ 2.2

Whoo Hoo ~ down 80 pounds total.

That is all.

MTN MAN CONTINUED....PHOTOS

Team Hops

Finish line with a beer

Hi five at transition

Heading out for lap 2

Oh Hot DAMN!

Mountain Man Rocked! Or rather, I rocked Mountain Man!  5th Female overall! under 2 hours!
The run was super rooty and rocky ~ I taped the balls outta my ankles and walk/ran the first run ~ note to self: get faster at the run so I don't have to ride through bike traffic on the bike portion.  The bike kicked ass ~ 11 miles in 1:08 ~ bitches!
Getting ready for the second run at the transition area ~ the guys were all in from their race and thought it would be helpful to yell at me to go faster putting on my shoes ~ holy pressure! I told them to Feck off and carried on at a slower than snail pace.
Second run was painful and slow but on my way in to the finish someone handed me a beer so I crossed the finish line with a Black and Tan in hand  ~ my kind of race!!
And yes ~ the award is a shingle with 3 rocks glued to it ~ not bear scat as a friend asked.
I have more pictures of the race and will post soon ~  off for a recovery ride this morning

'Twas the night before Mountain Man ~ Take II

Yup ~ tomorrow is the big day!  No snow in the forecast so the race is ON!
We are down to a skeleton crew ~ most everyone has other places to be tomorrow so there are just three of us going plus our mascot and support team, Sue.
I'm not nervous one bit like last time.  Nope, I am just chillin' trying to decide if drinking 3 glasses of wine will help my pace (a la Serpents back race).  Its the last race for this season ~ besides a 5k on Thanksgiving ... but that doesn't really count ~ no mountain biking.

Today I took it easy ~ light run in the woods and ate pretty well.  I am thinking part of the food problems (reckless eating and bingeing on sliders)  I've been having are b/c I'm not taking the time to chew ~ so I give up on solids and go for the sliders.  Oh and also the emotional part of it too.

This week I was pretty lame with the amount of crap I ate but by some divine miracle I lost a bit this morning.  Its the universe's way of motivating me to pull my shit together and keep going.
Message received.... Message received.
 ~ onward and upward...hoping there is a place on the podium for me tomorrow!

Emotional Eating

One of my WLS Idols, bandedwendy, made a video about this today.  She is a true Warrior!


I am an emotional eater ~ this is not news to me.  I have always been unable to sit with certain feelings ~ like uncertainty, regret, love, loneliness, anticipation.  
These feelings create a inner jittery vibe inside ~ one that I just can not get comfortable with.  I feel like I want to jump out of my skin when I have to feel them.    I am unable to "sit" with these feelings.  I do what I have learned to do to soothe the discomfort ~ eat.  Push it away with food or distract my mind with eating.  What is so horrible about these feelings that I can't just "sit" with them or walk through them?  Why am I so afraid of discomfort?  Will they kill me... no.  Will I endure bodily harm from them....no.  Will I loose my family from these feelings?..No.  


So what is the big deal?  I mean really.  When there are people all over the world that are suffering and living through hell on a daily basis...how is it that I can not sit with an uncomfortable feeling?
Today, thanks to bandedwendy, I am going to slog it out with myself and sit, walk, and be with this discomfort.  When it becomes too much to bear and I want to take the easy way I will think of others who have no choice or control over their suffering.  Often when I want to quit on a run or a ride I think of our soldiers in the Middle East ...they have no option to quit...it isn't even a thought.  I'll take that with me and keep pushing.    

Weigh in and Plan of Attack

163.4....not a big loss ~ but I'll take it.  I got all confused carb loading last week and may have ate too much and then drank too much....oh boy.

Saturday is Mountain Man take II!  So This is what my week looks like.
Sunday ~ 1.5 hr mtb easy
Monday ~ 1.5 hr mtb @ night ~ easy
Tuesday ~ 5 mile run (2 on the road 3 in the trails)
Wednesday  ~ Ass kicking MTB ride with the boys
Thursday ~ 5 mile run or mtb moderate
Friday ~ Day off
Saturday ~ MOUNTAIN MAN 2-11-2

The training and exercise is the easy part ~ the food has been a disaster!  I start each day with a halo on ~ and then about lunch time it goes down hill.  The chocolate/sugar monster is trying to run my show! Frig.
I know I have to take it one decision at a time but lately all the decisions have been crap.
Perhaps I'll try the pouch test? Does that help get one back on track?
Also ~ does anyone watch Banded Wendy on youtube?  How the hell that girl trains and runs as much as she does on 1200/1300 calories??? I am dizzy at 1200 and almost passing out when I stand up...

Happy Election Day!

Tour of the Shore ~ winning Team!

Holy Whose your Daddy and then some!  Our team won the relay ~ we even beat men! And no, they were not disabled - as a friend asked!
Totally a fun day!  It was super windy for the 2.5 mile kayak but Sue crushed it in 24 minutes!  The 11.5 mile mtn bike was fast and fun for me ~ 1 hr 15 min I think, and Ali killed the 4.5 mile run on the beach and through waist high water!  I'm am on such a high from the day.  I have never won anything.  My own mother was like "oh Ness! I don't believe it!"  Ha!
Here is a photo of my team and the awesome beer stein trophy with the bottle of wine I am drinking to replenish calories burned today.

Ali ~ kicking some running ass!

rough current

our fearless kayker

My first trophy EVER! And the wine I am downing

BYOC

BYOC ~ FROM DRAZIL

Let’s get to what we came here for! BYOC – Bring Your Own Crazy. A couple questions we answer to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break. Copy and paste to your own blog if you wish! Enjoy!

Let’s do another themed BYOC…..this one will be called “What’s In/On Your….?”

1. What’s on your desk between your monitor and keyboard? (if it’s a laptop – what’s on your desk in general)

I am a slacker and work from home a lot ~ my laptop is on the island in the kitchen.  There are candles, my blackberry, and fruit around me

2. What’s on your mind right at this moment?

Misplaced feelings ~ that have something to do with grief but are making me feel wacky and dangerous....

3. What’s in or on your nightstand on your side of the bed?

lamp, massage oil, alarm clock and various other devices :)
4. What’s on YOUR Christmas wish list (let’s assume you’d get what was on it)?
A new carbon fiber specialized single speed 29er mountain bike....Duhhhhh!

5. Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Real life has been high and low. I went for a road trip last Sunday and had a blast.  Been riding and running like a maniac.  Yesterday was a bad emotional day ~ super sad and missing Andrew ~ eating cookies ~ and feeling lost.

Blogland has been good ~ I am inspired by so many of you great ladies and comforted by the fact that I am not the only one to go off the rails sometimes.  

My Favorite Video Song Combo

Dawnya got me to thinking about songs that make me emotional.  Hands down its The Funeral by Band of Horses.  Since Andrew died this song really gets me in the gut, but I first heard it when I saw this video ~ it gave me goose bumps and chills.  Andrew was just as connected to his bike as Danny MacAskill (in the video).  He rode like a ghost ~ so fluid and effortless.  
His bike and gear was just released from the police department as the ME report is done now and case is closed.  Seeing his bike come home without him really flipped me out.  Its this time of year that he would be riding and racing.  Yesterday I caught myself wondering if I should text him and see if he wanted to come with me for a ride.   Missing him and being mad at the same time with a basket of feelings that I have no way of sorting out yet...

So this is what I am generally daydreaming about when I should be working ~ being able to be that free on a bike.

Thanks for the encouragement!

Just wanted to say a big thank you to all you guys who commented on my last post ~ you know how to make a girl feel good.  Melissa ~ I have no email for you and couldn't respond to you but I'd like to ~ so email me.
Yesterday I tackled the day with a 5mile run ~ half in the woods and half on the road ~ damn it feels good to be gansta  runner!  So good that I was pimpin Dr. Dre in the Subaru all afternoon ~ I think I'm getting old for this b/c I got some funny looks.  Whatever.
I went out for a night ride with Mo and my friend Jeanine ~ nice Halloween ride in the woods ~ kinda spooky but lots of fun!
Mountain Man has been moved to the 12th for sure ~ so the good news is I get two more weeks to work on trail running.  The bad news is: its gonna be flippin freezing!!
Tomorrow I'm up early to ride the race course for Tour of the Shore ~ should be pretty easy ~ 10 miles.
Food ~ I've been good ~ around 1200 -1400 cal a day
Water - need to work on
That about sums it up today ~ Thanks again!
Cheers!