Sunday, May 20, 2012

Its a mental Journey...

I got to thinking the yesterday about how I perceive other people and how they perceive me.  Thanks Ronnie for this post because this is what got me thinking.

A friend of mine has a beautiful wife - who I have never met - she is skinny and blond and just gorgeous and a sweetheart.  We were all supposed to get together the other day and I immediately was dreading meeting her...
Why?  Well because I thought right off the bat she would look down at me b/c I am the big girl.  And then my next thought was I already don't like her.  Then I went "Wait Stop!" to my crazy fat girl brain.
I am no longer that person.  I am not that girl that will just sit back in the corner and crack jokes about my weight before someone else does.  And who knows, maybe this blond beauty - who has never met me and would never know the Fat me - would be intimidated by my beauty and sunshiny personality.  
Its crazy when you realize that you no longer have that "Fat" wall to hide behind or use as an excuse as to why people don't like you.  Now if they don't like me - its because they just don't like me not because they are repulsed by my girth - now thats a scary thought!

I had an insecure fat girl moment yesterday.  I stopped into the horse farm to visit some friends in between appointments and I ran into some of the more famous customers there.  Immediately I got totally insecure and figured they wouldn't remember who I was - because after all, I am gross and invisible.  Of course they recognized me and we chatted for a while - then when one of the guys said "Vanessa - you know my partner, S-----  right?  I said yes and did the dumbest thing (he is pretty famous and fabulous) I shook his hand and said "so nice to meet you"  DUH! Then they were like you've met him before- remember you were at our party - double duh - of course I've met him - I'm just so insecure that I figured he wouldn't  have remembered me so it was easier to act like it was our first time meeting...
I felt like a dork after...
Its hard adjusting to this new life - where people treat me differently and I don't have to act defensively and pretend that people don't know who I am...

Whew!  Long Blog today - had to get that out...

This weekend - still kicking ass - doing two-a-days - running in the morning with the dogs and then Mountain Biking at night - Crushed it last night - with a personal best - 6 miles in 30 minutes up hills and through the sand - I love my bike - I think I'll try and get paid to "do me" and give tours on my bike...
Have a great sunday - off to Boot Camp!


  1. I totally get what you mean when you talk about the "try to avoid people and make the deprecating comment about yourself before someone else does" - but now I want to know who these guys were!!

    Enjoy Boot Camp!

  2. Gosh, I could have written this post. I get feeling like we're still not good enough and having to push through the mental crap that we are carrying around. We have less weight to carry, but that baggage is still there.

  3. I have not lost much yet, but I find when I meet people for the first time now I want them to know I will be losing it soon. Like in my head I think that they think I am just a fat lazy slob, but really I am working my ass off to be a better me. I get really mad at myself for it, why am I seeking justification from someone I just met. Why does it matter. I used to think that I didn't care what other people thought about me, but I was just kidding myself.

    I am going to have to do some deep thinking about this one! Thanks for the post!!

  4. I think famous people bring out the insecure in everybody. After all, they are famous, why would they remember anyone normal when they can remember all the other famous folk.

    Good job with the cycling.

  5. Great post! We all feel this way sometimes. Our old insecurities like to make a reappearance.

  6. I recently joined a book club with ladies I don't know and had all the same insecure feelings you've described! These people never have to know I used to be fat, yet I still feel like the fat girl in the group!

  7. I can so relate chickee!! Can't wait to hear how the meeting with the blonde wife worked out!

  8. Who is this famous person you met? I must live vicariously! Good job kicking those thoughts to the curb. I need to do the same, next time I encounter the problem. :)