Top 20 Reasons Why I want to Lose Weight

Just a short reminder 

20.  So my underwear is loose and I'm not reminded of my girth as I'm falling asleep

19.  So I look cute when I wear flannel and not like a lumber jack

18.  So I can buy new MTB clothes and look like a cute rad bike chick and less like a squatch in the woods

17. So my Bras are not making marks in my back 

16. So I feel sexy and will actually want to make out with my husband who thinks I hate him

15.  So I can wear 90% of my clothes that are mocking me from my closet

14. So I can go on a beach vacation in 6 weeks and wear a swimsuit - not look good,..... just wear one of the ones that I own...seriously nothing fits

13. So I can feel powerful again

12.  So I can wear heels - my feet are taking on odd shapes these days...like muffins forced into odd pans

11.  So I can shred the trails fast and hard

10.  So I can fly and not feel like I'm oozing out of the seats

9.  So I can become the image in my mind of myself - fit and strong 

8.  So I can continue to fit in my car....its getting iffy

7.  So that when I tell people I ride bikes they don't look at me shocked and ask if its a recumbent one 

6.  So that I can hike and bike all over the southwest and Utah....

5.  So that I can move out west and be that fit, healthy athlete I imagine in my mind

4.  So that all my income is not spent on food - that is an exaggeration..but I do spend alot of $$ on expensive treats..imported cheese with truffles anyone?? 

3.  So I can stop coming up with fake "celebrations" to eat..

2.  So that I will be able to pull a dress out of my closet at a moments notice when I have a party to go to.

1. So that I can go back to living my life without my girth, body, weight, size, being the #1 thought in my mind.  

#OVERIT

Where am I at this week -
I've been biking and eating 75% healthy since Sunday...its a start....again....

 The Jacquelyn Smith is up!

S'mai judging me

Sunday ~

Wow - very cool that people are still reading my blog after this time away.  Thanks for the comments and support guys!! 

Yesterday was a struggle - actual # on scale was 203 
- I did go for that bike ride...it was cold and painful...I want so badly to be back to where I was that its frustrating but I know that each time I go out there and ride its a step forward and good for my soul.
Today I've got plans to ride with an old friend at 10:30 - its warmer out so I'm looking forward to a spin in the woods.

Food yesterday - Went pretty good - then I had a melt down around 3:30 and ended up eating a huge cookie...that same feeling again - the feeling where I would die if I didn't have the cookie and I might possible run over anyone standing in my way to get the cookie..... addiction much?
It was only one HUGE cookie...and then I had some cheese and honey with truffles when I got home.
Dinner was a salmon burger.

Today - Mo is going grocery shopping so I don't get tempted at the store..
I had a poached egg on toast this morning 
Will have some yogurt before I bike and then lunch will likely be some veggies with tofu
Dinner ...TBD   

If I can just do one thing better each day...:)  

My friend Jenn is a photographer - she went to italy with us and is just now sending over some fantastic pictures - this is one of my favorites - HAHHAAA

 

Holy Shit its Almost Thanksgiving

What the eff? 

I'm back from Italy.   It was an epic adventure and I went so far off the rail with food, I'm back to square one.  The day I got home I weighed 202 pounds.  Not ideal.  

From the chick that felt like there was no turning back two years ago when she weighed 155 to feeling like I'm trapped in a body that's not mine and wishing it would all go away.

How did I become the failed weight loss surgery patient?? I was a rock star!  I crushed it and lost it all.  
 I unraveled. Rebelled against the lifestyle that worked for me.  I was afraid of being free and what that meant.  In order to lose the weight and be a success - I know that it has to be the #1 thing in my life - all consuming #1 project that is all day everyday.  I was burnt out on that being the #1 thing in my life and I wanted to just be normal....

The truth is, I did this to me.  Starting over is depressing and harder than anything I've ever done.  Many people know about my lap band and its painful to see the look on their face when they see me.  I want to sleep all the time and wish it all away, but the reality is if I want the life I had before, I have to go get it again.  

I went to yoga on Thursday.  Today I'm going out on my bike for a mid day spin - 32 degrees sucks.  I'm also going to take a strength class again. Its all about the food though.  

I'm starting today with a protein shake. I'll have soup for lunch.
I hate even writing this shit down because I doubt I'll be able to stick to it past 11am... 
So, um yeah... I'm in a dark place.  I remember when I first started this journey and I read someone's blog who was all- "the band failed and I'm fat again"  I thought - what a loser..the band didn't fail, you failed the band.  And here I am.  

What do I want life to look like?  Sleeping and wearing baggie pjs all day feeling sluggish?  Or do I want to be out shredding in the woods on my bike being full of energy and feeling like I can do anything...Thats the question - to be Awesome or be a punching bag for my self hatred.

Here are some recent pics from Italy  

Bike Trips wrap up

HE SHREDS

 

I'm back - well for a month then off to Italy....:)

Sept 5-8 I went to shred in VT with some friends - rode hard for four days and had a blast. 
Came back late on the 8th and then left on the 12th for Utah - my future home...god I love that place!  
Miss Lori is a lucky woman to live there.

I went on a bike/camping trip with my friend B - we had a blast - I love camping and sleeping under the stars.
We rode about 30 miles a day on dirt and roads and saw the most beautiful country.   
I've never felt such peace and joy as last week when I was totally off the grid and one with nature...
Even more exciting - I was not hungry - not one bit.  I had to force myself to eat.

Re-entry is a bitch and I'm doing my best to remain calm and maintain my connection to nature.

Stats - Still 189 - lost 1 pound or so with all the exercise but I think I made muscle - I'm not stressing too bad..

I can't even begin to describe how beautiful it was so here are the pictures.

MOAB

BALANCED ROCK  - ARCHES

BACK COUNTRY CAMPING IN ARCHES

BOULDER LODGE IN UTAH - GODS COUNTRY

ARCHES

CALF CREEK CANYON WATER FALL

BURR TRAIL

WOLVERINE LOOP

HALLS OVERLOOK

TEQUILA TASTES BETTER IN THE DESERT

AMAZING

WE WERE MOSTLY RIDING AROUND 7000 -6000 FEET - TOUGH GOING FOR THIS SEA LEVEL DWELLER

SAD FACE  - LAST RIDE....I MISS IT AND WANT TO BE BACK THERE..

Its almost over

~ Labor Day Weekend  ~

I'm trying not to labor!  Ha!  I should be done for the weekend about noon today.  I'm planning to take a long walk and do a core work out today.  I'm still all messed up with my legs and back - the legs are hobbling around and I feel all kinds of off on two feet - two wheels, I'm still golden - thank god.  

One more week until Vermont! I can't wait!  This place is crazy...There is an all chrome Rolls Royce that has been driving around - such gross excess....I'm over it.

All of us locals are so done with these obnoxious entitled a**holes.  Roll on Tumbleweed Tuesday - (this place clears out on Monday!)

My breakfast sandwich had a message on it when I picked it up yesterday  ~ we are all feelin it! Ha!

On the food front... still struggling but I did decline desert last night so thats a big big win!  Keepin it classy today and planning on veggies and fruits... 

I must admit, having my body all out of wack is pretty scary...I walk like I have a peg leg and move side to side instead of forward... my chiropractor is working on it.  

I have road rash on my knee that totally erupted yesterday while I was out showing houses. I had blood pouring through my jeans..thank god I randomly wore black instead of the usual white jeans I rock.... 

Yeah that was awesome - my clients looked at me horrified... Its like I have this double life - professional realtor by day and then epic mountain biker, tom boy ~ dirt diva chick the rest of the time...sometimes those two worlds collide and its not great.

I think its time to get into regular yoga, or pilates and core classes...this body is all effed up and I'm scared if I don't sort it out now...I'll be stuck this way.

Tomorrow we have a 50 mile ride planned that involves two ferry boats and a stop for breakfast... I'm psyched!

Have a great weekend!

5am wake up and bike ride

I'm up - ready for a bike ride- just waiting on the sun...grrrr - shorter days suck!
The chiropractor gave me the thumbs up to go biking just not go crazy.
She thinks I'll be good to go for Vermont in 8 days.  God I hope so!
The new Biking clothing I ordered just got here yesterday ~ all XXL... I mean yeah....we are back there again.

Yesterday, I had breakfast at the ocean and then worked all day. Not a bad way to start the day....

Finished out the day with a binge.... it was panic eating again....
followed by "I hate myself" inner dialogue.... I've got to get this back under control....

Its the cycle - the part I can't control ~ that urgent hunger to soothe...the panic feeling of hunger...that results in the override of rational thought.... 

Today I will be hyper vigilant when the cycle starts - and I will have food AKA whole foods with me to combat the onset of the hunger.... I mean COME ON!  I've done this before, I can do it again.  

Part II ~ Post ride
Went for 40 miles this morning and checked the surf at all the beaches - its wild today.  Ended my ride at a park near my house where we had breakfast - egg + cheese + bagel... and coffee.  
I'm not hating on it - I was super hungry and Strava says I burned 1000 calories.. not bad before breakfast.  I feel good after that and will keep that feeling with me today.  We have another long ride set for Sunday...looking forward to it. 

 

Carefree last week of summer

Summer officially ends Monday.  So I've been beachin pretty hard...yesterday spent the whole day at the ocean.  I'm heading there shortly for breakfast....

I've taken a few days off from the bike - had the chiropractor on Monday and have another adjustment this afternoon.  I'm still in a lot of pain.  So sitting on the beach and swimming it is.

Yesterday I got a text from a good friend - that was pretty snarky... I also work with this friend and for some reason, I couldn't let it go.   It ate at me all day.  
Its because I stood my ground and for once didn't drop everything in my world for that friend....which I usually do...for everyone all the time and particularly  him.  I stood my ground which isn't easy for me - ever.
But it still made me feel like I was in the wrong...

Feelings are frustrating and the more weight I carry the more feelings I have...
Sticking up for myself with people who I love and want badly to like me is something I need to work on.  

Its all related....food, people pleasing, weight gain, self confidence....its like a cycle...I'm learning.. - very slowly.

Keepin it Real

Yesterday ~ 
I went out for a nice Mountain Bike ride and had a major crash - resulting in bashed right knee and un-rideable bike... fooey....

I've taken both bikes to a friend to wrench back into shape..
My physical state is "I'm falling apart" 
Blown out knee, sprained ankle, bee sting with blown up hand, topped off by a twisted back..
Good God, I've become THAT middle aged woman..

So today is a rest day...I'll be chillin at the beach...tomorrow is a long road ride.

Yesterday was a shit show with food..I can't even write it down... It started from the moment I left the house and didn't end until I went to bed... some of the highlights include peanut M&Ms and chocolate covered cashews..

Last night I had drinks with some of my guy friends - one of them said he put his girlfriend on diet...
I almost fell off the bar stool when I heard this...She is beautiful and likely a size 6 or 8....
He said he loves her no matter what but she started to let herself go and he would like her to keep it "tight"....
Immediately I turned inward... if thats what he thinks of his beautiful girlfriend...he must think I'm jabba the hut...I've packed on 35 pounds since last summer and have been up down my whole life.

My evening went from having fun with friends to feeling so so shitty and low about my obvious weight fail....I know everyone has their daemons but I carry mine in my thighs, ass and bloated stomach...so obvious for all to see and judge..and no one judges me more than me...

So on that note - guess what! Its a new day!!!   I've not failed yet today and I've been awake for 45 minutes... 

And I realize I'm thinking in black and white...Its where I'm at this moment and I'm keepin it real....

Rehab

Last night I had a dream that my mother took me to a rehab.  In the dream the intake Dr asked me a bunch of questions about my addiction (food and relationships) and I gave him my answers thinking this was an unnecssary visit.  But then he got very serious was like, you need help and we have to send you away for 10 days right now, you cannot wait.  I was so upset that I was way more messed up than I thought I was.

I woke up feeling very anxious.  It really is serious... all that work, all that money, time and support - I've wasted in this back slide.  I'm living that nightmare I used to have when I lost all the weight - waking up fat again...

Last night I met friends out at a bar for Raggae on the docks... Nothing I own fits, I felt so self conscious - and full of self hate and rage.  Its soul crushing the inner voices and low low low feelings.
The only time I feel like my bad ass self is out on the bike..

Food is my issue...obviously.   I get in a total panic over what to eat, and then I'm terrified of being hungry, so I eat the wrong food.
I still have no clue why I am so afraid of hunger...Its not like I've ever been left out to fend for myself...
Maybe it comes from being a child and always being on a diet so young - weight watchers at 5 anyone?  
Shit..my head is so messed up.  I'm back in the same head space that I was when I made the choice to have surgery.

Well, today is the first day of the rest of my life...so here goes back to the rules (thanks Ronnie for posting!) I'll be back blogging and commenting on the regular - as that seemed to help me from the get-go. Lori also promised to blog again and comment - I'm looking forward to reading about everyone again and giving support.

Yesterday -
2 hours of MTB
Protein Shake
Apple
Lobster Roll - chips - 2 cookies
Veggie Burger - fries
1 margarita
1 small cup of froyo with sprinkles 

Today - my plan of attack - 
Easy spin on Bike - ab and core work 
Eggs 
Tuna salad / fruit
Corn on the cob/fish 

Two Days in a ROW!

Yesterday:

Protein Shake
Dosa  - cheese, avocado and arugula for Lunch (1 cookie after)
Raw Cashews
Fresh Mozzarella for Snack
Grilled Cheese with Tomato  & 4 French Fries  - Date night

Yes...looking back at this, I could have done better - a lot better, but if I look closer there are a few victories...

1. Only one cookie after lunch - Win
2. After spraining my ankle walking to work - I could have soothed myself with sugar - I did not
3. No ice cream or Fro yo after dinner...

Today - I'm starting off  with two eggs and coffee
Will also being doing an ab and core workout before work... 

Have a great weekend!

View from dinner last night 

Another day in the Hustle

My Start weight ~ 242
Lowest ~155
Current ~ 190

That plan didn't work....
First of all I was super dizzy from eating so few calories that I could hardly ride my bike.  I'm happiest when I'm riding 5-6 days a week...and if I'm not happy....its bad.

I ended up binging for two weeks and feeling horrible about myself after that diet fail.... 

Whats the plan going forward?  
Go back to simple foods...
Protein shakes for breakfast, fish or salad with hard boiled eggs for lunch and dinner - something sensible....and lay off the FroYO! YO!

I've been biking about 100 miles a week - I'm on Strava if anyone wants to follow me there...
The problem with all that biking is I've gotten really lazy with doing core and other strength exercises so now I've thrown my back out... but I'm still pushing through and biking....
Going to the chiropractor today to get it sorted.... 

I'm going mountain biking in VT in two weeks for four days and then heading to Moab to go mountain biking and camping from the 12-20th....so this must be addressed!  

I've had fluid taken out of my band - just 1cc and I've stopped getting stuck, throwing up and having to exist on sliders...so thats great.  Now just to calm down and get back into the plan that first worked for me back int 2011...

Its great to see some of my blogger friends stepping back out from the shadows....It seems a bunch of us who were banded in 2011/12 have had re-gain....I think being food addicts has a lot to do with it...I know I am one.  Please know that I'm here and I'm happy to email/text with anyone as much as I can for support - we are not alone.

Two of my favorite things - Sloths and Bikes!!!

Keeping the Faith

Two days in a row blogging - hot DAMN!
Yesterday was a win"ish".....

I took the day off and spent the day at the beach...then we had movie night at my friends pool...that part was a problem.

Yesterday's time line:
7:30 - 16 oz water
8:00 - black coffee
10:15 Apple
12:15 - 5oz cooked shrimp in spinach salad with peppers, cherry tomatoes, and kale with lemon juice and 2 tbsp of Apple cider vinegar 
3:00 Strawberries
5:30 Poached Halibut -4 oz and sauteed spinach with garlic

I found it very hard to eat the dinner... I was in a hurry and got stuck so hardly touched it.

Then we went to movie night....and it went south...
- potato chips, empanadas, apple pie, ice cream - oy.
I didn't drink any beer or wine - so thats a win..

I will not beat myself up over last night...Just going to move forward and put a great day on the books.

I woke up this morning feeling like total shit...not sure if thats from the overload on carbs last night...

This afternoon I'll go Mountain Biking - hoping I've got energy for that. 

Pics of the day 

 Watching Super Bad in the pool...EPIC

 Lunch