Monday, August 25, 2014


Last night I had a dream that my mother took me to a rehab.  In the dream the intake Dr asked me a bunch of questions about my addiction (food and relationships) and I gave him my answers thinking this was an unnecssary visit.  But then he got very serious was like, you need help and we have to send you away for 10 days right now, you cannot wait.  I was so upset that I was way more messed up than I thought I was.

I woke up feeling very anxious.  It really is serious... all that work, all that money, time and support - I've wasted in this back slide.  I'm living that nightmare I used to have when I lost all the weight - waking up fat again...

Last night I met friends out at a bar for Raggae on the docks... Nothing I own fits, I felt so self conscious - and full of self hate and rage.  Its soul crushing the inner voices and low low low feelings.
The only time I feel like my bad ass self is out on the bike..

Food is my issue...obviously.   I get in a total panic over what to eat, and then I'm terrified of being hungry, so I eat the wrong food.
I still have no clue why I am so afraid of hunger...Its not like I've ever been left out to fend for myself...
Maybe it comes from being a child and always being on a diet so young - weight watchers at 5 anyone? head is so messed up.  I'm back in the same head space that I was when I made the choice to have surgery.

Well, today is the first day of the rest of my here goes back to the rules (thanks Ronnie for posting!) I'll be back blogging and commenting on the regular - as that seemed to help me from the get-go. Lori also promised to blog again and comment - I'm looking forward to reading about everyone again and giving support.

Yesterday -
2 hours of MTB
Protein Shake
Lobster Roll - chips - 2 cookies
Veggie Burger - fries
1 margarita
1 small cup of froyo with sprinkles 

Today - my plan of attack - 
Easy spin on Bike - ab and core work 
Tuna salad / fruit
Corn on the cob/fish 


  1. I'm glad you're committing to blogging! I read a lot of bloggers who say they do better when they actively write, and fall off the wagon when they fall off their blogs. I've never fallen off my blog, my my knees are ALL scraped up from the falls from the food wagon.

  2. "I was so upset that I was more messed up then I thought I was..." Ummm, me too. We haven't lost the fight, we just took a major detour.

  3. Hugs. I identify will all of that.

  4. I'm with you sista. I've can't seem to get it in gear either I've gained 40ln back and am up to 185. I just finished my first day of the 10 day master cleanse to detoxify and get on the right track once and for all. Good luck to you. I hope to post a success story in the not so distant future. Always enjoy reading your posts. You're one of the few from a couple years ago who still posts. Seems most of us are struggling. We can't give up. We'll just keep trying until we get there. It's obvious it is a never ending battle. Hugs.

  5. I definitely identify with your feelings of no control with your food as well, we just have to temper them the best ways we know how. I dream about cookies, donuts, cakes... ugh. It's the worst. And then I wake up feeling GUILTY as if I actually ate them. What the FUCK is that??? Crazy, is what it is.

    I'll be around more, too. Love ya!