Am I there? No - I was the day I decided to have surgery. I was suicidal and in pain - mentally and physically. I weiged 220 +/- and was giving up the fight.
Do I FEEL like I'm there...yes.
Am I happy about it - hell yes!
Why? Because its the best place to start from
Am I interviewing my self like I'm on a reality show? Sure
Why? No reason..
:)
Here is the gift of Rock Bottom - there is no where to go but up.
I feel like hell - mainly due to a head cold and being stressed out.
The great news is that right now in this moment is a beginning - again.
It all starts with forward momentum. One of my dear friends and mentors told me that when doing a long race the only thing you have to do is go forward - even if you are off your bike pushing it up a hill - you are going forward. Don't stop just keep going forward. (I miss that guy horribly - and had a dream about him last night. :( )
So this is me going forward. I am not hungry - haven't been for a while - I've been abusing food as a drug. Thats how I got to 169 this morning.
As long as I can pick myself up again and keep moving forward its not done. I will have to find a way to cope with stress without using food. At times like this I actually wish I were addicted to drugs - how sick is that.
Here's to puggles and sunshine -
What is CTFD, you ask? It stands for Calm the FUCK down.
I wake up at night with a racing heart and and binge on sugar during the day to soothe myself - enough. I felt like I was going to die last night and this morning I am train wreck.
Simple plan ~
1. No news. yup - call me ignorant but if there is something I really need to know, I'm sure a friend or loved one will let me know to take shelter. So - yes, no news anymore.
2. Eat only from the Earth. Green Juice, whole grains and maybe a fish 1x a week...everyone I know has gone vegan and they are vibrating with health and light - I'm coming back - running toward the light.
3. Two hours a day for me. Yes- they can include, blogging, reading, thinking, walking, biking, running, petting the dogs or day dreaming about beautiful things.
4. No more working 12 hours in a row - I will take an hour off to sit in front of something pretty and find my joy - this probably means sitting at the ocean in my car for now until it gets warm enough to walk on the beach or go pet a horse
5. Stop being a sponge for people's urgency and negativity. I'm rubber and you're glue. That old saying "poor planning on your part does not constitute and emergency on my end" - yup I'm gonna live that.
6. Spend 1 hour a day fluffing my space - that means making my home pretty - Clutter makes me nuts - and being all or nothing -if the house isn't organized I give up and let it be gross.
7. I'm terrified I'll gain all my weight back and I know that is abut 60% of the stress I'm feeling - so I shall know that by making good choices and taking care of myself I will cut out this stress.
8. People pleasing is a fat girls disease. When I sacrifice myself for another it never ends well and I will eat that pain - all day every day.
9. As a lap band patient 2 years post op (april 6) - I'm still doing the mental work.
Thats the new plan....I'll let you know how it goes. I fell better already not watching the news this morning as I write.
So do you today and CTFD - I'm trying.
1. I binged on sugar (chocolate) yesterday
2. I didn't work out
3. I was told to "shut the effing iphone off and relax" - by the guy I work for. Which stressed me out even more.
4. Reflexology..interesting I may go agian
5. I'm still stressed out and my body is tight...and not the good swimsuit tight...
6. Yes, today is a new day - I feel used up and exhausted
7. I will still try today to do the best I can do.
8. Counting down the days until Rincon - 17 days.... I should focus on detoxing.
9. Why is there no methadone for sugar addicts?
10. Watching the news is depressing - I think its setting a bad tone for my morning.
11. Its time for another prescription of ritalin...I'm ADD to the max.
So looking ahead...
Today - I will start with baby steps - take dogs to the beach first thing and breathe in the beauty - even though its effing freezing out. Fresh Air will do me good.
Stay gold.
As some of you know...I've been in a bad way. In a sugar hole.
Work/Stress is bad. I've not had a day off in two weeks - so dammit I'm trying to work from home today and take it easy. Apparently I've been snarkey and yesterday was told to go home and take a nap..ha!
So what does one do when eating out of control and stress is almost unbearable?
One books a trip to Rincon Puerto Rico. Yep- going the second week of April - 2 weeks away....if thats not motivation to get my S H together foodwise, I don't know what is.
Its a girls trip like last time - I need to get a few new dresses but thats about it - there will be sleeping - swimming - paddling and yoga. :) and maybe some cocktailing - ok - yes there will definitely be cocktailing.
Bathing suit in 2 weeks - eek.
I was so motivated two weeks ago when it was warm out...now its still frikkin freezing and I feel so meh. Can't wait to go to away!
So today - I am apporaching it one minute one moment at a time. If I can get through today "clean" then I should be ok....
Gonna ride my bike, walk the dogs and go to the store for some wholesome food - the last time I went food shopping was March 5th...
God grant me the strength to turn away from my wants and lean in to my needs.
Give me the will to continue to fight when I no longer want to.
Let my jeans zip up and let no one notice how I am puffier than I was.
Please take this heavy weight off my light spirit.
God grant me the
serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Yessssssssss, my favorite day of the week, at least in blogland...real life meh...Thursday is a crazy day - getting prepped for the weekend.
1. I will run this morning.
2. That picture from yesterday shook me...Mo's friend had it on his phone and sent it to him. I feel sad that I was that person, that I let so much of my life be dictated by my body and shame. I realize now how valuable freedom is and how lucky I am to come this far.
3. I will not take this for granted. No more sneaking crap food...and if I have to wonder how I'm doing on this journey...well this should sum it up.
4. Damn I really liked those sunglasses...and I effing lost them...they were JLo - I got them for 7 bucks and they were fabulous...hrumph
5. We are getting closer to booking our trip to Bali. Its going to be a stretch but I am hell bent on going through my bucket list...while I'm still young.
6. This weekend is going to be crazy busy...I'm booked back to back both Saturday and Sunday...there is a bit of a boom here in the Real Estate market. :)
7. New Pope...I thought the Royal Wedding was way more fun to watch...
8. Thinking of sneaking off in April for a MTB trip to Colorado...
9. Dogs rule...seriously.... just looking over at the pups on the couch - they are the best!
10. Meh - not much to say today...other than keep on keepin on.
Its cold again..meh. Yesterday morning before the rain storm I took Ed running - we did 2.8 miles on the road and beach. He needs to get in shape badly. I was impressed, he kept up with me most of the way with a few breaks to sniff and do his biz. Then he crashed and spent the rest of the day sleeping- wish I had been that lucky.
Life is not that exciting lately - I've been watching downton abby like its my job in the evening - almost done with this season...shhhh no spoilers...
Mo is putting his time in and watching with me...I know its because Basketball Playoffs are on the way and I will loose all rights to the tube. oh well.
My efforts at going sugar free yesterday were a fail - effing cadbury mini eggs...ok - so today is a new day. again.
Girl scout cookies have invaded my office....I will not partake.
Today I went MTB for a few hours - after Mo sent me this picture......I lost my appetite for sugar -
