Its almost over

~ Labor Day Weekend  ~

I'm trying not to labor!  Ha!  I should be done for the weekend about noon today.  I'm planning to take a long walk and do a core work out today.  I'm still all messed up with my legs and back - the legs are hobbling around and I feel all kinds of off on two feet - two wheels, I'm still golden - thank god.  

One more week until Vermont! I can't wait!  This place is crazy...There is an all chrome Rolls Royce that has been driving around - such gross excess....I'm over it.

All of us locals are so done with these obnoxious entitled a**holes.  Roll on Tumbleweed Tuesday - (this place clears out on Monday!)

My breakfast sandwich had a message on it when I picked it up yesterday  ~ we are all feelin it! Ha!

On the food front... still struggling but I did decline desert last night so thats a big big win!  Keepin it classy today and planning on veggies and fruits... 

I must admit, having my body all out of wack is pretty scary...I walk like I have a peg leg and move side to side instead of forward... my chiropractor is working on it.  

I have road rash on my knee that totally erupted yesterday while I was out showing houses. I had blood pouring through my jeans..thank god I randomly wore black instead of the usual white jeans I rock.... 

Yeah that was awesome - my clients looked at me horrified... Its like I have this double life - professional realtor by day and then epic mountain biker, tom boy ~ dirt diva chick the rest of the time...sometimes those two worlds collide and its not great.

I think its time to get into regular yoga, or pilates and core classes...this body is all effed up and I'm scared if I don't sort it out now...I'll be stuck this way.

Tomorrow we have a 50 mile ride planned that involves two ferry boats and a stop for breakfast... I'm psyched!

Have a great weekend!

5am wake up and bike ride

I'm up - ready for a bike ride- just waiting on the sun...grrrr - shorter days suck!
The chiropractor gave me the thumbs up to go biking just not go crazy.
She thinks I'll be good to go for Vermont in 8 days.  God I hope so!
The new Biking clothing I ordered just got here yesterday ~ all XXL... I mean yeah....we are back there again.

Yesterday, I had breakfast at the ocean and then worked all day. Not a bad way to start the day....

Finished out the day with a binge.... it was panic eating again....
followed by "I hate myself" inner dialogue.... I've got to get this back under control....

Its the cycle - the part I can't control ~ that urgent hunger to soothe...the panic feeling of hunger...that results in the override of rational thought.... 

Today I will be hyper vigilant when the cycle starts - and I will have food AKA whole foods with me to combat the onset of the hunger.... I mean COME ON!  I've done this before, I can do it again.  

Part II ~ Post ride
Went for 40 miles this morning and checked the surf at all the beaches - its wild today.  Ended my ride at a park near my house where we had breakfast - egg + cheese + bagel... and coffee.  
I'm not hating on it - I was super hungry and Strava says I burned 1000 calories.. not bad before breakfast.  I feel good after that and will keep that feeling with me today.  We have another long ride set for Sunday...looking forward to it. 

 

Carefree last week of summer

Summer officially ends Monday.  So I've been beachin pretty hard...yesterday spent the whole day at the ocean.  I'm heading there shortly for breakfast....

I've taken a few days off from the bike - had the chiropractor on Monday and have another adjustment this afternoon.  I'm still in a lot of pain.  So sitting on the beach and swimming it is.

Yesterday I got a text from a good friend - that was pretty snarky... I also work with this friend and for some reason, I couldn't let it go.   It ate at me all day.  
Its because I stood my ground and for once didn't drop everything in my world for that friend....which I usually do...for everyone all the time and particularly  him.  I stood my ground which isn't easy for me - ever.
But it still made me feel like I was in the wrong...

Feelings are frustrating and the more weight I carry the more feelings I have...
Sticking up for myself with people who I love and want badly to like me is something I need to work on.  

Its all related....food, people pleasing, weight gain, self confidence....its like a cycle...I'm learning.. - very slowly.

Keepin it Real

Yesterday ~ 
I went out for a nice Mountain Bike ride and had a major crash - resulting in bashed right knee and un-rideable bike... fooey....

I've taken both bikes to a friend to wrench back into shape..
My physical state is "I'm falling apart" 
Blown out knee, sprained ankle, bee sting with blown up hand, topped off by a twisted back..
Good God, I've become THAT middle aged woman..

So today is a rest day...I'll be chillin at the beach...tomorrow is a long road ride.

Yesterday was a shit show with food..I can't even write it down... It started from the moment I left the house and didn't end until I went to bed... some of the highlights include peanut M&Ms and chocolate covered cashews..

Last night I had drinks with some of my guy friends - one of them said he put his girlfriend on diet...
I almost fell off the bar stool when I heard this...She is beautiful and likely a size 6 or 8....
He said he loves her no matter what but she started to let herself go and he would like her to keep it "tight"....
Immediately I turned inward... if thats what he thinks of his beautiful girlfriend...he must think I'm jabba the hut...I've packed on 35 pounds since last summer and have been up down my whole life.

My evening went from having fun with friends to feeling so so shitty and low about my obvious weight fail....I know everyone has their daemons but I carry mine in my thighs, ass and bloated stomach...so obvious for all to see and judge..and no one judges me more than me...

So on that note - guess what! Its a new day!!!   I've not failed yet today and I've been awake for 45 minutes... 

And I realize I'm thinking in black and white...Its where I'm at this moment and I'm keepin it real....

Rehab

Last night I had a dream that my mother took me to a rehab.  In the dream the intake Dr asked me a bunch of questions about my addiction (food and relationships) and I gave him my answers thinking this was an unnecssary visit.  But then he got very serious was like, you need help and we have to send you away for 10 days right now, you cannot wait.  I was so upset that I was way more messed up than I thought I was.

I woke up feeling very anxious.  It really is serious... all that work, all that money, time and support - I've wasted in this back slide.  I'm living that nightmare I used to have when I lost all the weight - waking up fat again...

Last night I met friends out at a bar for Raggae on the docks... Nothing I own fits, I felt so self conscious - and full of self hate and rage.  Its soul crushing the inner voices and low low low feelings.
The only time I feel like my bad ass self is out on the bike..

Food is my issue...obviously.   I get in a total panic over what to eat, and then I'm terrified of being hungry, so I eat the wrong food.
I still have no clue why I am so afraid of hunger...Its not like I've ever been left out to fend for myself...
Maybe it comes from being a child and always being on a diet so young - weight watchers at 5 anyone?  
Shit..my head is so messed up.  I'm back in the same head space that I was when I made the choice to have surgery.

Well, today is the first day of the rest of my life...so here goes back to the rules (thanks Ronnie for posting!) I'll be back blogging and commenting on the regular - as that seemed to help me from the get-go. Lori also promised to blog again and comment - I'm looking forward to reading about everyone again and giving support.

Yesterday -
2 hours of MTB
Protein Shake
Apple
Lobster Roll - chips - 2 cookies
Veggie Burger - fries
1 margarita
1 small cup of froyo with sprinkles 

Today - my plan of attack - 
Easy spin on Bike - ab and core work 
Eggs 
Tuna salad / fruit
Corn on the cob/fish 

Two Days in a ROW!

Yesterday:

Protein Shake
Dosa  - cheese, avocado and arugula for Lunch (1 cookie after)
Raw Cashews
Fresh Mozzarella for Snack
Grilled Cheese with Tomato  & 4 French Fries  - Date night

Yes...looking back at this, I could have done better - a lot better, but if I look closer there are a few victories...

1. Only one cookie after lunch - Win
2. After spraining my ankle walking to work - I could have soothed myself with sugar - I did not
3. No ice cream or Fro yo after dinner...

Today - I'm starting off  with two eggs and coffee
Will also being doing an ab and core workout before work... 

Have a great weekend!

View from dinner last night 

Another day in the Hustle

My Start weight ~ 242
Lowest ~155
Current ~ 190

That plan didn't work....
First of all I was super dizzy from eating so few calories that I could hardly ride my bike.  I'm happiest when I'm riding 5-6 days a week...and if I'm not happy....its bad.

I ended up binging for two weeks and feeling horrible about myself after that diet fail.... 

Whats the plan going forward?  
Go back to simple foods...
Protein shakes for breakfast, fish or salad with hard boiled eggs for lunch and dinner - something sensible....and lay off the FroYO! YO!

I've been biking about 100 miles a week - I'm on Strava if anyone wants to follow me there...
The problem with all that biking is I've gotten really lazy with doing core and other strength exercises so now I've thrown my back out... but I'm still pushing through and biking....
Going to the chiropractor today to get it sorted.... 

I'm going mountain biking in VT in two weeks for four days and then heading to Moab to go mountain biking and camping from the 12-20th....so this must be addressed!  

I've had fluid taken out of my band - just 1cc and I've stopped getting stuck, throwing up and having to exist on sliders...so thats great.  Now just to calm down and get back into the plan that first worked for me back int 2011...

Its great to see some of my blogger friends stepping back out from the shadows....It seems a bunch of us who were banded in 2011/12 have had re-gain....I think being food addicts has a lot to do with it...I know I am one.  Please know that I'm here and I'm happy to email/text with anyone as much as I can for support - we are not alone.

Two of my favorite things - Sloths and Bikes!!!

Keeping the Faith

Two days in a row blogging - hot DAMN!
Yesterday was a win"ish".....

I took the day off and spent the day at the beach...then we had movie night at my friends pool...that part was a problem.

Yesterday's time line:
7:30 - 16 oz water
8:00 - black coffee
10:15 Apple
12:15 - 5oz cooked shrimp in spinach salad with peppers, cherry tomatoes, and kale with lemon juice and 2 tbsp of Apple cider vinegar 
3:00 Strawberries
5:30 Poached Halibut -4 oz and sauteed spinach with garlic

I found it very hard to eat the dinner... I was in a hurry and got stuck so hardly touched it.

Then we went to movie night....and it went south...
- potato chips, empanadas, apple pie, ice cream - oy.
I didn't drink any beer or wine - so thats a win..

I will not beat myself up over last night...Just going to move forward and put a great day on the books.

I woke up this morning feeling like total shit...not sure if thats from the overload on carbs last night...

This afternoon I'll go Mountain Biking - hoping I've got energy for that. 

Pics of the day 

 Watching Super Bad in the pool...EPIC

 Lunch

 

New Beginings....

Don't you love posts with that title??  I do.... it usually means I've gained and dammit now I intend to do something about it....
So here goes...

I've definitely not been out of control..just had a little birthday and a wedding adventure last week that interfered with biking and eating well.  So I'm feeling lazy and puffy.

I ran into two ladies that I hadn't seen in a while and they look awesome - they lost 50 + 30 pounds on a "plan".  So after inquiring about it and mulling it over I've decided to try it...

It starts with three days of "energy loading" AKA - eat lots of fats....then goes to a 21 day Level 1 restricted diet that is all protein and veggies and then you start adding back in foods slowly on level 2 and see how you feel.   

I kicked ass at the three days of fat loading..I currently feel like a wet ball of fresh mozzarella ....but Today is day one of Level one.... so wish me luck!  

I'm going to make an effort to blog regularly through this 21 days to document the process.... 
I started it at 187 on Friday Aug 1~  and will weigh myself again this Friday...

Since my last post
I've been out living life and having a grand time this summer - below are some pics from my adventures.  Ok - actually it looks like I just go to the beach and take pics of sunrise and sunset ...but I'm pretty sure I do other stuff too....like bike alot...

Sunrise hunting on my bike

Sunset at my beach

Party Prep for LeoFest 2014 Birthday Bash  - yes we had swan races

 LeoFest 2014 Was a celebrity tribute - everyone came in costume

 Me as Liz Taylor