So I had to cancel my boudoir shoot - not gonna lie it was a relief. This is my super busy season and I ended up have a few work appointments that morning. I'm glad I took them - because I sold one of our properties... yay! And lets face it I feel so fucking fat and am wrapped in shame and failure....
Last week I started my training plan for the half marathon - no longer doing the Yellowstone half, instead doing a half that is close to my house. And on day 4 I blew my knee out and it hurts to walk.
So theres that.
The great news it that I'm killing it at work - thank god since I am now the breadwinner and would like to make all the money we need for the year in the next two months.
Looking back at my former bad ass self I truly believed that I would never go back. Well, here I am, 191 feeling like a blob and in pain from over doing the running. There is too much snow for me to go biking and I long to be back in the woods.
The weight came back fast..I had been holding steady in the 160s for about a year and then bam - this fall it just came back on - I'm not saying it was magic - I know I ate it back on.
You know you are feeling low when you would rather be a drug addict, sex addict, or any other kind of addict where your shame and failure isn't obvious for all to see.
So - this is my uplifting sunday morning rant. I'm sick of myself and this cycle.
Hang in there!!! One thing is for sure, we can't give up. We did it before, we can do it again. It was hard, but way better than how we are feeling now. The effort is worth it (at least that is what I'm telling myself) 😉. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up!
ReplyDeleteYou're not a failure... it's not over, you will get it together. In Nemo's words "Just keep swimming".
ReplyDeleteDon't give up. Get back on that wagon...one day at a time. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteVanessa you are not alone, and I'm glad you are back and blogging about it. We all need to see each other at our most vulnerable so we can learn from each other. I am the weight you are now and have been for almost four months and I am so pissed about it. It's a long road. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to read this blog post (not happy you are struggling.) Don't give up, and don't quit blogging. I want to hear the great, good, bad and ugly. We all know this isn't a perfect journey and it isn't easy.
ReplyDeleteI just started Weight Watchers, so we're in the same boat, doll. :(
ReplyDeleteIt takes such energy, fighting the addiction. Seems like we all get to a point where we're just so tired, and BAM! The weight gets eaten back on and the feeling of failure is overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteSometimes when I'm feeling like you are, my hubby just needs to repeat to me "you are not a failure, appreciate how far you've come' - over and over and over. Eventually I hear him and it begins again.
Hang in there - you are an amazing woman who has truly come so far.....and will continue the journey!
"You know you are feeling low when you would rather be a drug addict, sex addict, or any other kind of addict where your shame and failure isn't obvious for all to see." That hits home. We are here for you...for each other. Keep fighting.
ReplyDeleteStop it! You are not a criminal, you're not a murderer, you're not a person without scruples. You've put on some weight-- and that is really OK-- it happens!!!! Forgive yourself, WE all forgive you! Stop beating yourself senseless NOW. Shaming yourself will do nothing for your motivation… instead: be gentle with yourself. Understand that no matter how fast you want to get rid of the extra weight-- going a reasonable direction is probably your best bet. If you think a visit to your band doc would help, go and get some consultation-- that's why you have this tool. Otherwise, keep posting and you will keep getting love from all of us. We all have been there in the 'weight shaming' place… it sucks, please leave it and go to the 'I deserve to care about myself no matter what I weigh' place.. and you'll continue to figure it out from there.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo