Monday, February 24, 2014

The Post about Pain

I guess I've been lucky...been able to be active and not have any pain in my body. 
That has changed. My knee is a problem.  It hurts when I work out and then I'm scared to work out.  Its a big problem.

The polar vortex is back tonight ... And we are expecting a snow storm Wednesday - the day I was supposed to go to FL - so what did I do?  Changed my flight to tomorrow - damn right..I'm not messing around with old man winter and getting stuck in this freezer.... 
Sunshine here I come...only I'd rather stay here...
Why? Because nothing fits.  no summer clothes fit me.  I went to try on some clothes yesterday and its ugly - back to size 16.
I remember I used to feel excited about going away..and knowing my clothes would fit.  Yeah....So STUPID.
I felt stressed yesterday so I ate a crapload of chocolate.  
Anyone ever try shock therapy?? I'm close to needing it. 

Friday, February 21, 2014

What day is it?

Oh the adventures I've been on this week.  
Hell yes, I've been to the gym a few times - dragged my ass there in the snow.  Got on the exercise bike and got my mind right.  Its only  a matter of weeks before MTB season is back on.  
The days are getting brighter and longer and that makes me happy.

Wednesday, I went for a girl day to the big city - we had big plans...ending with a huge show at the MSG - J. Timber.Lake! 
We did the girlie spa thing first, then met friends for ramen downtown, then went to a wacky museum and painted on stuff, then found out JT cancelled the concert!  What the hell! 2 hours before, for health reasons.  
We were so bummed - but I understand - maybe he had a stomach thing ..and no one wants to sing and dance with that going on.  Oh well.... getting a refund.

We got home at 3am and then I worked yesterday...Oy - I can not function on 5 hours of sleep - EVER!  

I'm still in the struggle ~ But I go to the gym and am eating better - not clean and not all or nothing.

PS - going to Florida on Wednesday and I'm still in denial about the warm weather clothing situation...I may just make a house coat out of an old sheet and call it a day.


Sunday, February 16, 2014

Snow is Pretty...yes it is.

Back to back snow storms.... about 16 inches of snow covering the deck and lawn - from the last four storms.... windchill is in the teens - I think its beautiful.  Shhhh don't tell.  Everyone around me bitches about it..but secretly I think its pretty.  Do I wish for grass and 70 degrees...yes.  But its actually beautiful outside.

I did join the gym - 64 bucks for a membership till memorial day and includes 2 spin classes and 2 other classes.  Now you all know I hate the gym...but this deal was too good to pass up.
And I got all up on the elliptical on Friday - booyah!  

This weekend is Mo's big art show - the reception was snowed out last night but we are hoping for a big turn out today and Monday.  
Fingers crossed.

Today - I will either go to the gym or yoga and I will soak in the beauty of the sparkly snow  - no sense in hating on it ~ so I might as well love and appreciate it....

Friday, February 14, 2014

Baby Steps

Start at the beginning.  

That's where I'm at today -how exciting.  Forget everything else, the past promises, the successes, the skinny jeans, the compliments, the baggy underwear, how it felt before.  Forget the past.  Live in the moment.

In this moment I am new, a beginner, starting on a journey that I've never been on...although I must admit it feels pretty familiar.  Buy I'm not going to compare it to the past, because thats not fair.

Where am I today, right now in this moment?  I am a couch potato whose body aches perhaps because it weighs too much.  I am addicted to sugar and all that is junk food.  My underwear is tight and I often chose the pair that is stretched out with  holes - super sexy.

I am starting today with one intention:  To go to the gym and not compare myself today with myself 2 years ago.  In this moment I am not a failure, I am a beginner.

So exciting - this new adventure.  (ok, you got me...a little sarcasim here)

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Not and uplifiting post

So I had to cancel my boudoir shoot - not gonna lie it was a relief.  This is my super busy season and I ended up have a few work appointments that morning.  I'm glad I took them - because I sold one of our properties... yay!   And lets face it I feel so fucking fat and am wrapped in shame and failure....

Last week I started my training plan for the half marathon - no longer doing the Yellowstone half, instead doing a half that is close to my house.  And on day 4 I blew my knee out and it hurts to walk.
So theres that.

The great news it that I'm killing it at work - thank god since I am now the breadwinner and would like to make all the money we need for the year in the next two months.

Looking  back at my former bad ass self I truly believed that I would never go back.  Well, here I am, 191 feeling like a blob and in pain from over doing the running.  There is too much snow for me to go biking and I long to be back in the woods.   

The weight came back fast..I had been holding steady in the 160s for about a year and then bam - this fall it just came back on - I'm not saying it was magic - I know I ate it back on.  

You know you are feeling low when you would rather be a drug addict, sex addict, or any other kind of addict where your shame and failure isn't obvious for all to see.  

So - this is my uplifting sunday morning rant.  I'm sick of myself and this cycle.