Not and uplifiting post

So I had to cancel my boudoir shoot - not gonna lie it was a relief.  This is my super busy season and I ended up have a few work appointments that morning.  I'm glad I took them - because I sold one of our properties... yay!   And lets face it I feel so fucking fat and am wrapped in shame and failure....

Last week I started my training plan for the half marathon - no longer doing the Yellowstone half, instead doing a half that is close to my house.  And on day 4 I blew my knee out and it hurts to walk.
So theres that.

The great news it that I'm killing it at work - thank god since I am now the breadwinner and would like to make all the money we need for the year in the next two months.

Looking  back at my former bad ass self I truly believed that I would never go back.  Well, here I am, 191 feeling like a blob and in pain from over doing the running.  There is too much snow for me to go biking and I long to be back in the woods.   


The weight came back fast..I had been holding steady in the 160s for about a year and then bam - this fall it just came back on - I'm not saying it was magic - I know I ate it back on.  

You know you are feeling low when you would rather be a drug addict, sex addict, or any other kind of addict where your shame and failure isn't obvious for all to see.  

So - this is my uplifting sunday morning rant.  I'm sick of myself and this cycle.  

Oh Hello Saturday

How did this week go by so fast?  

I'm so nervous - tomorrow morning is my boudoir shoot.   

You know that nightmare that you have after you lose a bunch a weight.  The one where you have gained it all back?  Yeah...I'm living that one.  

Good news - I have a friend who is a trainer - she is putting together a plan for the Yellowstone Half for me.  I'm hopeful but I also know me.  I've never ever finished or stuck to any plan, ever.
So, lets see where it goes.

Its warm here today - might get over freezing today...but then snow again this afternoon.  

I fell off the sugar wagon all week.  So there's that.  Sorry I have nothing upbeat to share.  Just wanted to check in here.
  

Monday Perspective ~ and weighin

Starting weight - 241 pre-band February 2011
Lowest Weight POST OP 155 December 2012
Highest Weight POST OP 188.6 January 12 + 33.6 pounds....
This week - 186.6 = 2 pound loss 

Its working....the no sugar plan....
Here's the thing - I fell hard off the wagon on Saturday.... I was feeling good.  Great even. 
Then I talked on the phone to my mother.....
Shit.  The cravings kicked in and it went bad.
Add in a stressful work weekend and back to square one once again.... but I know what works - I just wrote about it a few hours before I fell apart.  
DAAAAMMMMIT!

And begin ...again. 

The Boring Post

Just rolling along here.  Somehow by the grace of God I am floating in a zone of happiness and light.  Meaning - sugar free, no cravings, and no hunger.   Not that I'm actually flying around in a bubble filled with light...although that would rock too...
I digress.

I'm taking breaths, noticing whats working and repeating the good patterns.  There was a moment a few days ago when I wanted to pull into a deli and grab a "snack" then a voice said "how does this benefit your end goal"  what?? Where did that come from?  I kept driving - went back to the office and had tea.  The amazing thing is, I didn't feel deprived later or feel like I deserved a reward for doing the "right" thing.  I was just happy. 

The scale is trending down and I'll post a weigh in tomorrow.
Not sure what it is but these are the things I've been doing and will continue to do...

1. Feel Blessed
2. Take a good moment each day to be grateful for everything
3. Take a time out (hey if smokers can do this so can I) every day to look at something beautiful.  Really look around and take it in
4. Move that body. 
5. Same protein shake every morning
6. Vitamins :  Flintstones multi, vita c with rose hips, b12, rasp%berry key*tones
7. WATER with LEMON all the live long day
8. Yoga - Namaste bitches!
9.  Believe we are all connected 
10. Feed myself good food
11. NO SUGAR or processed crap
12. Oil pulling every morning

Yesterday this is what I did:
Walk/run on treadmill - 30 mins
protein shake: rice milk, green vibrance, spirutine protein powder, frozen blue berries
half of a bean rice burrito and 1/2 cup pumpkin vegan soup
atkins shake
oatmeal
half of an amys dinner 
pb2 protein shake

Today is Mo's first Art Show as a full time Artist!!  I'm so proud of him!!!

Ten Things Thursday

1. Took the early bus to NY yesterday 

2. Bus got pulled over on the way in - never had that happen before.... It ended up being a non event but in my head I pictured it more like a movie where the bus gets hijacked and there is a helicopter chase... meh 

3. Schlepped all over NYC - 

4. My food was good -  I didn't drink enough water - and felt like crap last night because of that

5.  My ankle is better - even after all the walking yesterday - I'll hit the treadmill this morning for a very short run to test it out...

6.  Its cool to visit - but I def couldn't live there...country girl needs her woods, beach and grass..

7. Food Plan today - protein shake, soup or kitcheree....amy's frozen dinner

8.  Drinking the same shake for breakfast daily is key to success ...

9.  Yesterday I ate - coffee, two bites of yogert, 1/3 blue berry muffin, splitpea soup, calamari, hummus and pita,  1 glass of wine and one spicy margarita...not bad for being out of my routine.

10.  Have a great day!

Early Morning Quickie

Day Two - I stayed clean -
Went to yoga - it was way more advanced than the last class - its  a miracle I didn't fall over. It was an open flow class - I really liked it though- super challenging

I STUCK TO MY FOOD PLAN!!!!!! Woo hoo! No wine with dinner - big pat on the back.

I'm off to NYC in a few mins - 2.5 hr bus ride - meh - but I get to read my book - loving - The Signature of all Things - by Elizabeth Gilbert.

My Plan today is simple - Focus on Tea and Water - and enjoy Manhattan - even though when I go there I get a bit overwhelmed and feel like a country bumpkin...

Still feeling calm, happy and grateful today.

I've found it - at least for a day - success!

My New Years Day (1/13/14) was an epic win - thanks Miss Lorie for all the inspiration you sugar free badass!

Yesterday, I went to yoga - which was super impressive because I sprained my ankle AGAIN on Sunday - not the worst I've ever done but still ouch! 

The busy season has started and yesterday was a long work day - getting the yoga in at lunch was a huge help - I was calm and peaceful all day - this is key not binging on crap.

Yesterday - 
I ate:
1/2 protein shake - blue berries, lite soy milk, soy protein, green vibrance and flax meal
atkins shake
1 cup vegan chili
1 sqare vegan corn bread - yum - I made this and the chili and it kicks ass
atkins shake
Chili/cornbread for dinner 
 Green Tea throughout the day

This was an epic combo - I can't remember the last time I felt so peaceful, happy and calm.  Must remember this. Also there is more daylight now and although its still winter - I know spring will come. 

Today -
Protein Shake 
8:30 Yoga
Chili for lunch
Atkins shakes to sub in 
 Inlaws for dinner but we are eating very healthy and so are they - so that should be an easy one

I've got to go to NYC tomorrow for work appts and a lunch with a good friend.  So I'll bring a few shakes with me.
Thursday - if my ankle is better - which it should be - I'll start running. 

I've been making time each day to be grateful for something - I'm actually grateful for a ton of stuff - but focusing on one thing at a time works best for me.
Yesterday instead of racing to the office I took 10 minutes and sat at the ocean - life is so huge and bigger than the drama...this made me happy.