What if.....

****more random blogging just trying to figure out my thought process ~ as we all know the battle is a head game***
 
What if I tracked my calories? 
What if I tracked my work outs?
Would that stress me out?  Would it lead to more binging? It has every time in the past....

Leigh sent me an email yesterday - thank you for that!  She is so sweet and concerned about me....its true, I do have an addiction - and I have slipped - 20 pound gain since my low of 155... Its a scarey place to be.
In the past I have gone to counseling, OA , taken phentermine, counted calories, worked out, ate less, and the list goes on...Now I'm just pissed that I didn't get the sleeve...

My reaction to structure is to rebel.  Structure with work, life and food.  If you tell me I can't do something you can bet I will do it and do it 100%.  This has always been a problem for me..... I have no clue why I didn't wind up a criminal drug addict.  The only saving grace for me has been positive feedback...I thrive on compliments and praise... so strange...

Yesterday was an ok day...not stellar but not horrible with food...  you can see I'm totally out of control if I'm thinking that what I ate yesterday was not horrible...

Green Juice
1/4 of veg quesadila
2 glasses of champagne - WTF
handful of potato chips
2 chocolate chip cookies
1 snack bag of reeces cups
1 reeces candy bar
2 protien bars
1 fish taco
1 protein shake

Today is a new day ~ I will eat clean today 

Ten Things Friday

1.  Still stuggling

2. Its Friday of Labor Day Weekend...Wow this summer went fast - 

3. So Happy that Cat is home and resting while being waited on hand and foot!

4. I have nothing to say.

5. Been spending a lot of time at the beach at night and during the day - soaking up the last of the sunshine

6.  Our good friends eloped on Monday - we are so happy for them.

7.  Last night was the worst binge...I ate through all of the stop signals from my band and then I felt like I would pop...blech...

8.  Its definitely emotional eating with sugar addiction - thats my official diagnosis -

Saw this on my bike ride the other morning 

Love these two -  

What the Fuck Happened to Me?

****Warning this post is a rant in my head that I needed to get out ******

I did not work out this week....
I ate like it was my job....
I am scared to get on the scale....
My clothes are tight.....
I'm pissed that I am even typing another one of these posts....
What happened to the girl that just worked out and knew she would never go back to they way things were?

I'm in a Funk/Slump....I want to be sloth like for the rest of the summer - sleep in, lay on the beach, hang out with friends, eat ice cream, drink gallons of wine and still feel skinny, look fit, and have lots of energy...Hrumph..

The mojo is gone....I know how to get it back I just have to do one thing better each day...

Whenever I get like this, I reach for some quick fix, a weightloss book, a new weightloss website, a personal trainer, a juice fast, or some other magic potion...
What really needs to happen.... I need to exercise and sit with hunger and cravings acknowledge that they aren't real...they are addiction 

I wish the food addict inside me would take a vacation...I'm thinking I need to take the Poonapalooza approach and just stop, stop thinking that I can have sugar in moderation...the only problem with paleo for me is that I don't eat animal...I guess I could do it with fish? And Veggies? blech - gag (thats the addict in me fighting).

So lets see...the reality of how to fix this feeling is that I can fix it myself without spending $ on a book or some other thing...I can do the following...

Look how simple/Easy this appears.... it only involves making a choices...nothing more....how hard can it be to battle the addict? 

No Dairy. NO SUGAR. - HARD
Fish daily - easy
Veggies - kinda easy
Fruit for something sweet - easy
Exercise daily - or walk somewhere beautiful - fairly easy
Wine in moderation - mmmm okay
Water, water water water  - easy

Meh ~ Will report back tomorrow....off to do battle.

TEN THINGS THURSDAY

1. Its a beach day!

2.  Any minute my yard will be a war zone - we are having a bunch of trees taken own that were damaged in Sandy and the Blizzard last year - I'm so excited!

3. Mo is sick....this makes me sad

4. Last week of summer is upon us - I will squeeze every moment out of it that I can...

5. I was invited to a 5 year olds birthday party that I'm actually excited about

6.  Gonna get my bike on today.

7.  Yesterday I ate ice cream like it was my job....boooo

8. Nothing exciting to report - other than weight gain 

9.  I have crazy dreams that often come true...the other night I had a dream that Lou Diamond Phillips was trying to kill me....I'm definitely watching my back.

10. I give myself permission to enjoy this last week of summer....life is changing around here come September..so I might as well enjoy my last week of sunshine and good times.

Monday

Weekend re-cap....what did I do?
I focused hard on having fires on the beach and knocking back some wine...
Ran, and biked a bit and just did me...
basically is was  Post Traumatic Stress recovery weekend from a nutty deal that finally closed on Friday - Yay!

I just read Amy W's post about getting a boob job...and damn if I don't want one now too...

To actually be comfortable getting them done, I think I'd have to be at goal for 6 months....might want a thigh lift too..I know, where is this vanity coming from? I guess it would be nice to have boobs that didn't hang down to the floor, I can only imagine what they would look like at 50!  Eeek.

Goals for this week....make it through a work lunch today without getting hammered and over eating. 
Drink water like its my job
Work out 5 -6 days
Fix microwave so I can eat TV dinners again...
Get to the beach at least 2x - summer is running away!

BILL CLINTON OUTSIDE MY WINDOW AT WORK!

I WOULD KILL FOR THIS RIDE!

THIS IS WHY I  HAVE TROUBLE POSTING...THIS FACE GETS IN THE WAY

 
 

Ten Things Thursday

 Most of these are  "notes to self"

1.  Yesterday I went off the rails with food - after only two days of "clean eating".

2.  When I get mad, what makes me think that eating crap will "show them"? - I am such a spoiled child sometimes

3.  Today I'll do better - Going for a bike or run first thing - and have Atkins shakes to bring with me today so I have no reason to buy crap

4. To get to goal I have to eat the way I did when I was first banded and exercise the same amount....If I keep writing that sentence over and over again it will sink in

5.  I don't have to eat like that for ever - just short term to get this last 30 off me and then I can go into maintenance - This is something I need to understand..I get panicky when I think I'll be deprived forever...its just a "phase that I have to push through

6.  These next two days are going to be hell ...the stressful deal that I'm involved with should be finished on Friday

7.  Have an appt to get my hair done and a mani/pedi today - yay!

8. The rest of my thrift haul came last night from Cat!  Yay!  

9.  Dinner out at the Swanky restaurant was amazing - I had a crab leg appetizer with shaved fennel (only ate about a third of it)  Had seafood risotto for dinner-  wow - only had a third of that too but then ate an entire dessert and had two glasses of wine...not a total fail but it was a celebration...I'll definitely go back - they do half portions of entrees too!

10.  You can allow others to control your emotions and perspective each day or you can embrace the freedom of knowing that you can choose to love life and keep doin you - pay no mind to the haters, drama queens and people that will never see the love, joy and beauty in life - its all a choice -
I chose to live in beauty and happiness. 

The Magic MoJo has rubbed off!

Yesterday went super well! 
Ran/Walked a 5K in the morning ...ended in the pouring rain and soaking wet - making the run that much more badass.
I weighed in at 172.4....going in a better direction - Robyn's whoreface of a scale said I was 174 something...I blame her for feeding me beer and hard cider..ha!  
Going in a better direction.

Yesterday I had a protein shake at 9 - rice milk, green vibrance, spiruteine and PB2 peanut butter.
Lunch at 3 - 1/2 cup of kitcheree with spinach, 1 egg and 1/4 avocado

After work shake - rice milk, 1/2 a banana and protein 

Then went swimming/surfing with Mo - Amazing - there were dolphins swimming with us!  I've never seen that here - there must have been about 10 or 15 of them - it was one of the most beautiful nights I've ever witnessed...

THAT DOT OUT IN THE WATER IS A DOLPHIN - I KEPT MISSING THEM COME OUT OF THE WATER

On the way home I had a slice of pizza (no crust) and then 2 cookies when I got home (wtf) - it was an emotional reaction to another situation I am involved in...fighting with friends...

Today - I'm going for another run shortly - its supposed to rain  today so I'll be badass once again.  I'd also like to add in some Jillian torture..

Tonight we are going to dinner with great friends at a swanky restaurant....my plan is to have 2 appetizers and no entree and a bite of someones dessert..and only 1 glass of wine...its a celebration dinner so I'll have to have a glass to toast!! 

Have a great day - and here's to another day doing the best I can!



 

OMG ~ BEST WEEKEND EVER ~

You may have heard I went to meet up with Cat and Robyn...

Best Weekend Ever ~ 

1. Flying on seaplane - a NSV because when I was bigger, I never would have fit in that thing....

BUZZING LAGUARDIA TOWER..

2.  Stepping off the train in Harrisburg and seeing the two coolest girls in person - my first words were "YOU'RE REAL"!!

Both girls look fantastic and are exactly how I thought they would be.  Robyn let me shack up with her and Lightening...but really I slept with Sydney - the worlds best dog - it was all I could to not hide her in my bag and take her home with me....

We had so much fun - the girls showed me all the sights and even took me to Zumba - my first time ever - I was a bit of a spazz with my white girl dance attempts but it was a blast ..I'll definitely try it again.  

Hanging by Robyn's awesome pool and BBQing was awesome too 

G& LIGHTENING

WE MAY HAVE HAD SOME BEER AND HARD CIDER

The thrift shopping was amazing - POPPIN TAGS!  - we hit two stores and I'm still in shock over the amount of stuff we got...I spent 70 bucks and even got a bad ass leather jacket. 

I WILL BE BACK TO DO MORE SHOPPING!!

NEW LEATHER JACKET  - SIZE M

DONT WORRY - I DON'T PLAN ON WEARING IT WITH THE SHORTS...HA!

ROBYN'S HAUL!

MY HAUL - YES THAT'S AN 80S BELT!

  One reason I wanted to hang out with these two rock stars besides meeting two of my favorite bloggers - was getting some of their weight loss mojo to rub off on me.  It has.  I promise.

We went to lunch at a great Thai place and realized we should have ordered one entree for the three of us...none of us even made a dent in the plates... viva la bands!

Seriously it was great hanging with my people - girls who totally understand the drama of eating and what happens when you eat to fast or are too hungry...that was great not having to hide being a bit stuck.

FINISHED PAD THAI -LEFTOVERS MUCH?

Cat's G - is awesome - and Robyn's Lightening is too - Both women have men that are super supportive and are total sweethearts!  G is hilarious - love his sense of humor!
 Robyn's lightning was awesome and drove us all over the country so I could see an Amish and some covered  bridges....mission accomplished - its beautiful where they live!

SKINNY ROBYN AND SYDNEY

AMISH MAILBOX

PERRY COUNTY

MY NEW BESTIE

It seemed like it was too soon to head back home by Sunday but I know I'll be back! Next time I'll bring a car to fit all my thrift store finds - Cat has to ship back a bunch of my stuff - my bag was maxed!

HOMEWARD BOUND - SEA PLANE OUT OF THE EAST RIVER - CORONA OF COURSE

FREEDOM TOWER

EAST HAMPTON - HOME SWEET HOME!

It really was a great weekend - I was sad to go but happy to see Mo and my four legged kids.
The Mojo has rubbed off on me - I'm getting ready to run this morning - mission accomplished!  Thanks again Girls!  You are two of the best hostesses on the planet! Thanks for making me feel like a rock star - can't wait to return the favor!

Ten Things Thursday

1. So Excited to See Cat and Robyn tomorrow!!!
2. Taking a Sea Plane today from East Hampton to NYC - crazy adventure...hope the weather is good..
3. Feeling like a bowl full of flubber....I had planned to road ride this morning but my ride was cancelled due to thunderstorms in the area
4. Will go for a run or mtb today instead but am bummed I've been up since 5
5. Was supposed to go to the beach today to visit with a friend who is in town for the week...but the weather isn't looking good
6. So my prayers and dream for my friends who wanted to get pregnant were answered in a big way!
7. I am weirded out that my dreams - the ones that tell the future - are becoming more accurate
8. Also weirded out that they are all about this one person in my life - who is a friend but not super close friend.
9. Can I say again how excited I am for this weekend!
10.  I love my dogs..that is all

Sunset porn last night

Slogging along

Started yesterday with a beautiful 33 mile road ride.  Along the way I road out to the beach to check the surf for Mo.  As I was staring at the ocean an old woman jogged up to me.  We both stood there just looking and then she said to me, "we are so lucky".  Damn right.  Then she asked where I came from and where was I going.  She told me she was so thankful to be able to experience the mornings at the beach and to still be running.  
She was awesome and made me smile - I hope to be running and biking at her age!

Weigh in  - 170 - meh...getting better - I'm sure that was water weight...
 
So food wise - here's what happened yesterday...
Post Ride - mega shake - Kale, rice milk, protein powder, pear, green vibrance, frozen raspberry... It made so much I split it with mo

 The rest of the day was more meh...than anything
I thought having candy from sbux was a good idea...and some coffee cake...- fooey - office meeting nonsense
Lunch was whole grain sweet potato quesadillas and then had a cookie from milk bar in montauk ...doh!
Dinner - seaweed salad..small amount and I chewed the heck out of it...and some fresh sweet cherry tomato, some crackers and then gf pasta with some real sausage.(three bites)..yes- I ate meat, and I felt very very full....fooey.
I did not have any wine. 

Today I'm taking pictures of everything I eat...I wonder if that will help keep me in check. 
Will be running this morning - gonna shoot for walk/run 2.5 miles and some weights and abs...might have to bust out some jillian...yikes!  Have I mentioned that Mo is working out with trainer and holy gun show batman....men are so lucky with the quick results...its awesome - crushing on my husband big time :)  ...

Operation back to basics - still in effect

Getting up at 5:00 - check
Going for a bike ride before the sun is up - check
Shocked that its 57 degrees in August....WTF

Yesterday recap -
Mountain Bike Ride - heck yes

Two awesome shakes with local produce 
3 Grilled shrimp
Attempted eating seaweed salad...bad idea - band no likey.
Half a bag of skinny popcorn....
Then I headed to the beach for sunset with friends...
For some reason I stopped and had some mac n cheese along the way and a small ice cream...wtf WTF

I've got to shut up the voice that says its ok to eat that shit...
The victory of the day was not drinking wine...so yes I'm trying to be kind to myself but was not thrilled with the mac n cheese and ice cream decision...

Today -
Road Riding 
Operation liquids and fresh food still in effect...